Love

Love Song

 

by Stenette Davis

I feel like you would be the one to break my heart, so I must leave you alone. This was the text that greeted her when her slumber broke at six in the morning. It popped open what would have previously been barely open eyes. For an instant she felt her head float away from her body and was deafened by her future crashing. She was devoid of all sensation as if she was anaesthetized from the crown of her head to the sole of her feet.

Her brain struggled to pull her back to her reality, the first sensation she could recall was the sound of her heart beating. It sounded so loud as if enough to rupture her eardrums, and violent enough to rupture the heart itself. What is this ocular effluence that coats her hands in salty sorrow? Surely it could not end so abruptly, there must be more, right?

On the other side of town is the man who sent her the text. She just woke up, he didn’t sleep, not a wink. He is somewhat confused because he thought that ending it would make him free of her. This realization was however not his reality. So when he closed his eyes he saw her face, her poorly groomed hair, and her twisted notched teeth. He could still hear her cackling laugh grating at his soul. She is not beautiful at all, he thought, so why can’t I be free of her.

As his brain struggles to purge her from his memories a genteel caress of vanilla floats on a light breeze and kisses him. She too always smelt of vanilla his favourite scent. In his arms her warm body would vaporize her vanilla scented body splash. He had inhaled it so many times; he did not know he was inhaling her too. She is now a part of him, his weakness.

By now he has had twenty missed calls and at least fifty messages. Three hours have passed without him knowing. This is the smallest his room has ever felt. He decided it would be best to go for a walk. He pulled the covers over his phone and headed for the door. He has a niggling thought to get the phone but ignores it. The door opens to see a five foot and four inches tall dishevelled minx eyes read and swollen with mangled hair and notched teeth. All his visual inputs suddenly nullified a rush of vanilla which gives him a warm sensation in his stomach and coldness to his face.

“How long have you been standing here?” he asked, the worse possible question given the circumstances. “Is that the best you can come up with?” she challenged him. With the guiltiest of looks he ignores her question, he tries to go by her but she doesn’t let him. With her small arms she cradled him around his waist. On tippy toes, she rested her head in the small of his neck and drowned him in vanilla.

It was the most amazing of sights; this diminutive figure paralysed him absolutely. Then the words she uttered were like chains anchored to his future and planted in the very fabric of his reality. “you are forever bound to me, the minute you took your first breath you were mine. I am yours eternally in this world and the next. I see no other, there is no one else. So hold my hands love from now until eternity. With your beautiful eyes see only me, with your most sensuous thoughts, desire only me. When you are ravenous be consumed with me. If passion should give way to reason and you lie in a harlot’s bed; let her kisses be mine, let her moaning and squeals be mine. Let from now and henceforth that there be no difference between breathing and thinking of me.” She bewitched him.

The Spirit of Love

♥ Parents understand love. Not to say those who are not parents do not understand love but non-parents tend to be on the receiving end of love most of the times. Love is the giving of self. It is the down-pressing of the ego or the loss of the I and me from the vocabulary for the other.  Glory to the Creator of us all because we all can receive the spirit of love.

When we speak our words evoke emotions that are both positive and negative in others. At times our words were never meant to offend but none of us can determine the state of mind of those we interact with. Sometimes we are not aware of what effect our words will have and at times we are unable to control the impulses to hurt others with words. A negative word once spoken cannot be taken back. It is a sped arrow. With words come war. The other becomes defensive and battles. They exercise their liberty to exist and to act negatively and the cycle of negativity continues.

 Letting Go Of Negativity 

You cry no more tears when you realize the actions of others are not a reflection of you. What reflects us is our behavior towards others or our reactions to other people’s actions. It is a beautiful and awesome experience giving and not receiving love. It is the most uncomplicated thing. Complications come from expectations. We expect others to act in a particular way and when they do not we internalize hurt. When we gain the understanding that we are all ripening fruits at different stages of our development, our perspective of other people change. Realizing we all grow at different periods and different spurts, loving becomes easier and easier.

All this comes from the realization that the Creator of us all is with us. He never leaves our side. It is difficult to explain that old woman with a drunkard for a husband, who keeps opening the door for him instead of letting him sleep alone outside. God being good gave her to him, so he could experience love. We are all each other’s keepers. Love♥. Understand that we all are becoming good. 

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Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe!

I find that I am happy by myself but like everybody I crave companionship at the end of the day when I an done working. I find that I have no interest to cheat even though I should have every reason to. I meet lots of men. And these men are interesting in different ways and some the type females drool over. Men of different occupations and different paths come up to me but they are all chasing money and cannot even socialize with a woman unless she is having sex with them. Some are the bad boy types, the clean-cut mama boys, some work in government, some work for the other side of the law and some are mystical men capable of powers I can only dream of.

Once I leave my house, men follow me. I am told my energy is strong and that is why they cannot control their attraction to me. And yet whenever these same men who keep begging me sex are around me, they try to edit me, as if to impress upon me that I am not beautiful. It is true that I have many flaws. But them jabbing my ego to punish me because I resist their enticement to sex will not make me see the flaws. I value my principles more than my ego. I value that I restrain my desire to satisfy and flatter my ego trying to attain something else. Self restraint is a quality I hold to the utmost.

I wish sometimes to meet people who exercise sexual restraint. Then they would not go about calling me names and spreading rumors about me. But these rumors started when I chose the Creator. It was as if there were powers who wanted to isolate and tear me down to the point that nobody would believe my experiences. Hell broke loose in my life. If there were more people chasing the Creator, they would understand my values and not see them as points of quarrel or demarcations of insult. But what I really mean is that they would be like me. Troy, my husband is not like me and that is not bad. I do want to change him but I should not. He lives an alternate lifestyle. He does not feel bad about hurting me when he cheats and he does not know of the Eye watching. I know when he cheats because I get boils under my arms and my slippers burst in keeping with biblical prophesy. It sounds foolish. I know but every child of Iz’zarael understands prophecy and knows what I mean.

Because I am being raised up by the Creator, I cannot judge Troy. His challenges are different from mine. We have both come together in our marriage but we are two different people. This difference scares me and I internalize his behavior negatively. I reject it and in rejecting it, I found myself rejecting him. It is hard seeing the negative repercussions of people’s actions and hoping that they will desire ‘good’. What others call love is not my definition of love. Love is faithful, kind, forgiving. It is not the pursuit of self. It is the sacrifice of self for others. Jesus could not claim to love Mary and watch them stone her. A child cannot love its mother and when that mother is old neglect her. I say this because what people call love is the excitement of a something new that demands nothing of us. It generally ends with the individual putting their self over the interest of the others. Love does not do this. Love recognizes that the other is just as equally important. I was grown that if one slice of bread is in my house, we cut it seven ways because there were seven of us. So I grew up understanding that love is a demonstration of kindness and goodness.

Recently, I learnt that our teeth affect our emotions. This explains the difficulty I have in controlling my emotions. Apparently, the nerves which affect our sense of loneliness are attached to the back upper and lower jaw teeth and three of mine are missing. And apparently our inability to control our emotions also cause tooth ache. Our body is perfectly made. Even our seeming imperfections are intelligent design. So I have a challenge and handicaps in this game of life. When I surmount this challenge, I will transcend and move on to greater challenges. I see the Father’s universe as an obstacle course of tests and building blocks and I am curious to see what my future will bring.

The reasons I do not chase sex are multiple. I ran from it like Joseph and found that the universe turned upside down. The universe also rewarded me. The more I held onto the Creator, the more challenges I had. I am realizing that I was boring myself to death living a mundane life. My reality changed and offered me the greatest excitement I have had to date. I was facing powers and principalities greater than myself. I hear of organizations like Lodge and Illuminati and I know they are real because a whole community of Lodge men came against me and a syndicate of criminals started following me and making reports of my activities. But for the Creator, I would be dead or insane. There is a power greater than all -the One, Creator of the Matrix of life. I have men coming up to me and questioning me about my dreams and wanting to know my secrets. They cannot believe that the powers they sold their souls for has been given to me because I chose right and went down on my knees when I thought I had caused evil to creep into my husband. My opinions are listened to by politicians and I am an adviser though I do not have the requisite degrees. I speak and the men in my community abide by my will. Those powers were given because of faith in the Creator. He gave me lead in my mouth and now mercury. For those who understanding the meanings of those two elements, you understand my page.

If I judge Troy’s promiscuity, I will not gain anything for myself. I will only think myself superior and him inferior because naturally I will think my philosophy right. Who am I to say why he is chasing his path? Maybe what he will learn will be greater than what I have learnt. I read that the gods were hunters. I tried the mischief of promiscuity. It nearly killed me and all because I was touched inappropriately. I marvel at how shocking my experience was and the spiritual awakening that occurred. But I would not and could not trade it. I have the Creator. So last night, even though I knew my husband was cheating, I cannot explain the peace. It comes from understanding that I am not missing out on anything. I do not need to sample different men to enjoy sex or determine if I am enjoying it. Changing my partner is changing my set of problems. I am not lacking in anything and I have nothing to prove, so I do not take it personal. I am that I am and as I am, I am loving me. Glory! to You, Creator of all. When my children come -I am speaking it into being- I will be a stable mother. Not someone chasing affection. I will not ignore their development to satisfy a needy man. And for that I cry Glory! to You, Alpha and Omega, Creator of all. My change is now.