I find that I am happy by myself but like everybody I crave companionship at the end of the day when I an done working. I find that I have no interest to cheat even though I should have every reason to. I meet lots of men. And these men are interesting in different ways and some the type females drool over. Men of different occupations and different paths come up to me but they are all chasing money and cannot even socialize with a woman unless she is having sex with them. Some are the bad boy types, the clean-cut mama boys, some work in government, some work for the other side of the law and some are mystical men capable of powers I can only dream of.
Once I leave my house, men follow me. I am told my energy is strong and that is why they cannot control their attraction to me. And yet whenever these same men who keep begging me sex are around me, they try to edit me, as if to impress upon me that I am not beautiful. It is true that I have many flaws. But them jabbing my ego to punish me because I resist their enticement to sex will not make me see the flaws. I value my principles more than my ego. I value that I restrain my desire to satisfy and flatter my ego trying to attain something else. Self restraint is a quality I hold to the utmost.
I wish sometimes to meet people who exercise sexual restraint. Then they would not go about calling me names and spreading rumors about me. But these rumors started when I chose the Creator. It was as if there were powers who wanted to isolate and tear me down to the point that nobody would believe my experiences. Hell broke loose in my life. If there were more people chasing the Creator, they would understand my values and not see them as points of quarrel or demarcations of insult. But what I really mean is that they would be like me. Troy, my husband is not like me and that is not bad. I do want to change him but I should not. He lives an alternate lifestyle. He does not feel bad about hurting me when he cheats and he does not know of the Eye watching. I know when he cheats because I get boils under my arms and my slippers burst in keeping with biblical prophesy. It sounds foolish. I know but every child of Iz’zarael understands prophecy and knows what I mean.
Because I am being raised up by the Creator, I cannot judge Troy. His challenges are different from mine. We have both come together in our marriage but we are two different people. This difference scares me and I internalize his behavior negatively. I reject it and in rejecting it, I found myself rejecting him. It is hard seeing the negative repercussions of people’s actions and hoping that they will desire ‘good’. What others call love is not my definition of love. Love is faithful, kind, forgiving. It is not the pursuit of self. It is the sacrifice of self for others. Jesus could not claim to love Mary and watch them stone her. A child cannot love its mother and when that mother is old neglect her. I say this because what people call love is the excitement of a something new that demands nothing of us. It generally ends with the individual putting their self over the interest of the others. Love does not do this. Love recognizes that the other is just as equally important. I was grown that if one slice of bread is in my house, we cut it seven ways because there were seven of us. So I grew up understanding that love is a demonstration of kindness and goodness.
Recently, I learnt that our teeth affect our emotions. This explains the difficulty I have in controlling my emotions. Apparently, the nerves which affect our sense of loneliness are attached to the back upper and lower jaw teeth and three of mine are missing. And apparently our inability to control our emotions also cause tooth ache. Our body is perfectly made. Even our seeming imperfections are intelligent design. So I have a challenge and handicaps in this game of life. When I surmount this challenge, I will transcend and move on to greater challenges. I see the Father’s universe as an obstacle course of tests and building blocks and I am curious to see what my future will bring.
The reasons I do not chase sex are multiple. I ran from it like Joseph and found that the universe turned upside down. The universe also rewarded me. The more I held onto the Creator, the more challenges I had. I am realizing that I was boring myself to death living a mundane life. My reality changed and offered me the greatest excitement I have had to date. I was facing powers and principalities greater than myself. I hear of organizations like Lodge and Illuminati and I know they are real because a whole community of Lodge men came against me and a syndicate of criminals started following me and making reports of my activities. But for the Creator, I would be dead or insane. There is a power greater than all -the One, Creator of the Matrix of life. I have men coming up to me and questioning me about my dreams and wanting to know my secrets. They cannot believe that the powers they sold their souls for has been given to me because I chose right and went down on my knees when I thought I had caused evil to creep into my husband. My opinions are listened to by politicians and I am an adviser though I do not have the requisite degrees. I speak and the men in my community abide by my will. Those powers were given because of faith in the Creator. He gave me lead in my mouth and now mercury. For those who understanding the meanings of those two elements, you understand my page.
If I judge Troy’s promiscuity, I will not gain anything for myself. I will only think myself superior and him inferior because naturally I will think my philosophy right. Who am I to say why he is chasing his path? Maybe what he will learn will be greater than what I have learnt. I read that the gods were hunters. I tried the mischief of promiscuity. It nearly killed me and all because I was touched inappropriately. I marvel at how shocking my experience was and the spiritual awakening that occurred. But I would not and could not trade it. I have the Creator. So last night, even though I knew my husband was cheating, I cannot explain the peace. It comes from understanding that I am not missing out on anything. I do not need to sample different men to enjoy sex or determine if I am enjoying it. Changing my partner is changing my set of problems. I am not lacking in anything and I have nothing to prove, so I do not take it personal. I am that I am and as I am, I am loving me. Glory! to You, Creator of all. When my children come -I am speaking it into being- I will be a stable mother. Not someone chasing affection. I will not ignore their development to satisfy a needy man. And for that I cry Glory! to You, Alpha and Omega, Creator of all. My change is now.